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1. My mom, who has been with my father for 47 years, once said to me: “I’m not always in love with your father, but I always love him. And I’m always surprised when I fall back in love with him.” I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. Because of my mom’s advice, I don’t panic when we’re going through a tough time; I look forward to falling in love with my husband again. And that moment is usually not sexy, like when one of our kids vomits in the middle of the night and he gets up to help me clean it up and then touches my foot with his foot when we finally climb back into bed. That’s love.
2. That I cannot choose to prioritize the desires, whims, or life choices of a significant other at the expense of losing my sense of self. If I become the best version of who my partner wants me to be (or who I think he wants me to be), I’m camouflaging all those wonderful parts of me that exist with or without that person.
3. When you get married, make sure the person you choose is someone you’d not only want to marry but also to divorce. For me, it highlights the importance of choosing someone who is gentle, caring, and good-hearted not only in the good times but also in the bad times.
4. A good friend once told me that you have to “fit your own oxygen mask first.” I was in a really bad place with depression and anxiety and trying to make a relationship work that was never going to work, fixing all of his issues and neglecting my own. It was the most intense wake-up-call piece of advice I’ve ever received, and I now repeat it like a parrot to anyone asking for advice. You can’t help anyone else until your own oxygen mask is firmly fitted.
5. Relationships are not 50/50. They’re 100/100. You have to give all that you’re capable of giving to your partner (love, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance), and expect that in return.
6. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved doesn’t mean they don’t love you. That really opened me up to thinking about new ways of appreciating people, and made me less angry. I was always expecting people to act how I wanted them to, but that is impossible 90 percent of the time.
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